“Misunderstood” – You are in good company

“Misunderstood” – You are in good company

Misunderstand: a failure to interpret or understand the words or actions of (someone) correctly. Synonyms are misapprehend, misinterpret, misconstrue, misconceive, mistake, misread.

Every human being I know or know of has experienced this unfortunate state of being. It happens in all our relationships, in our communities and in the global population. It happens to people groups of religious origins, ethnic origins, and regional origins. Being misunderstood is a universal human experience. People don’t understand why.

For example many Christians are asking the question about why they are perceived so negatively and misunderstood within the general society. There was a time they were at the center of American society in the 20^th century, but now they are being pushed to the margins of this society. They are challenged in all areas of life. I chose Christians because I am one, a follower of Jesus the Christ. Now, I sincerely want to get an answer to this issue. Without infusing any religious rhetoric into this evaluation. 

All things considered I decided to use a technique I employed while in the midst of my doctoral studies. I started the practice of Googling the unfinished sentence, why are Christians so. . . When you do this Google will display the top search results for this sentence. For example I just completed this step as I began writing the blog for today. The results were “why are Christians so”. . . ignorant, mean, hypocritical, judgmental, easily deceived and intolerant. You get the idea. Now, it is important to understand my focus is not only on Christians. I do the same Google search for Muslims as well. The recent results were “why are Muslims so” . . . violent, crazy, hateful, angry, intolerant, evil and backward. I also do this for other groups including Atheists. Here we see a pattern emerge in the search results. The results were “why are Atheist so”. . . angry, hateful, stupid, obsessed with religion and mean. This pattern emerges universally with any group. So, why is this?

I believe key to this lies in the ancient Greek aphorism, “Know thyself.” It sounds so easy, so simple. Yet it is so hard for people to actually make appropriate assessments about their own every day behaviors in comparison to others. People really do not know themselves. Especially, when it comes to their personal behaviors, deep felt beliefs and perceptions of themselves. When it comes to explaining things that are negative about ourselves we have an inherent default reasoning that kicks in. We attribute our own behavior to external sources. In other words we blame others while we make excuses for ourselves. In other words we give ourselves a pass or an excuse. “If only my boss wasn’t so demanding I wouldn’t have forgotten to mail that package to my son.” Or “Why doesn’t my husband listen to me. I couldn’t have said what I wanted any clearer. He doesn’t understand me at all.”

However, when it comes to dealing with others, as a general rule, we don’t give them a break or pass. When we judge their behavior we do this by attributing to them an internal source or factors. This is referred to as the actor-observer effect. We all participate in this process every day, even hourly. This issue is we see ourselves differently then we see others and it is normal to all human beings. “She didn’t mail the package to our son because she is having second thoughts about the gift we bought him.” Or “You didn’t mail the invitations because deep down you are having second thoughts about the marriage, aren’t you?”

            I am not trying to over simplify the problem, but I am working towards opening the way for us to have conversations about these issues. Also to connect us with our humanity, as flawed as it is. There are many people who have been hurt, hurt deeply by others. Someone who fits into a category or people group. In their pain people have labeled everyone within that group or category as mean, hypocritical, or intolerant. Let’s be honest with ourselves the problem is we, as well as others consider ourselves to be misunderstood and we are by others and ourselves. 

What good is knowing this? It is universally human to be misunderstood and to misunderstand ourselves and others. Welcome to reality.

What can we do about this? If you are open to some self-exploration ask some friends or others if you come across bias. Ask them how you come across to others. Remember they have their biases too, but learn from them and listen more than talk. Ask question, clarifying questions. Don’t assume and practice an internal conversation where you are formulating your answer before the other person has finished their sentence. Avoid criticizing the input you requested. It only creates defensiveness that shuts down conversation and breeds contempt for the other person. This eventually leads to completely shutting down any form of conversation and you stonewall the other person. Become self-aware.

Welcome to what it means to be human. It takes work, hard work to have real genuine relationships and remove the stigma of being misunderstood.